Haitian immigrants are not eating cats and dogs. Believe me. I repeat. They are not to be blamed for the neighborhood cats and dogs disappearing.

Any card-carrying, flag-waving, blue-blooded, America-loving Boy or Girl Scout knows the truth. The neighbors’ cats and dogs are being eaten by Johnny Rebeck’s sausage machine.

EATING CATS AND DOGS ORAL HISTORY

This truth was passed to me via the oral tradition of song while attending Peach Creek Girl Scout Camp in New Caney, Texas in the 1960s.

The lodge grounds contained long logs laid out in a square that served as seating while waiting for meals. While dripping with sweat and rubbing my tennis shoes back and forth in the dirt, I learned the truth about the villain who is responsible for so many deaths of beloved pets. The chorus is:

Oh Mr. Johnny Rebeck,
How could you be so mean
We told you you’d be sorry
For inventing that machine
All the neighbors’ cats and dogs
Will never more be seen
They’ve all been ground to sausages
In Johnny Rebeck’s machine

Of course, there are many versions of the lyrics, but regardless of which adaptation you choose, hey all point back to the sausage machine. And, frankly, the tune is quite catchy. Full confession: For days now, this earworm has been driving me crazy propelling me to write this blog.

EATING CATS AND DOGS AND THE DEEP STATE

They say that the sausage-making machine is now part of the deep state. In the early days, Johnny sold sausages to Mrs. Ford and Jerry used to come into his shop with his mom. When Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace, Johnny convinced Jerry to pardon the former president, which he did. The deep state was so grateful that they began incorporating Rebeck’s sausage into their underground operations.

They say that it was not until the Affordable Care Act that the Rebeck Sausage Company took off. Tucked away in the regulations on page 7,286, the third line, second paragraph, allows the corporation to skirt the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act and substitute the word “pork” for cat and “beef” for dog.

Today, they say the Rebeck Sausage Company has changed its name to RS Links, Inc. to distance itself from Johnny. The conglomerate has begun buying up kill animal shelters. Rather than spaying and neutering the pets, they use them as breeding facilities to keep up with the demand for their products. Currently, product offerings include three types of links: red (beef and pork), white (pork only), and blue (beef only).

According to an investigative journalist who must remain unidentified because he is targeted for assassination by the CIA, plans for more product lines are being developed. The deep state has notified the sausage company that it intends to make legal citizens who do not vote for them disappear.

Furthermore, that same valiant journalist explained from his safe house that the rumor of the Haitians consuming beloved animals was, in fact, spread by the sausage company. PETA members have been lurking near one of the company-owned shelters, disguised as citizens who want to adopt an orphan animal. By planting the story, a tried and true tactic used against Asian immigrants in the 1980s, the Rebeck organization hoped to distract their enemy.