I’m sporting one ugly black eye today. Technically its an obnoxious red, but will soon head to the dark side.

 WHAT IS A BLACK EYE?

A black eye is bleeding under the skin around the eye. Generally, they aren’t serious, but if you have double vision, bruising around both eyes, or bleeding from the nose you may have a skull fracture. Fortunately, this didn’t happen.

 HOW DID I GET THE BLACK EYE?

I was working around the house. (Note to self: Stop all housework; its too dangerous.) The plumbers came yesterday morning to install a new hot water heater and had to move the dresser to reach it. In preparation, I dragged my husband’s large watch case off the top and the corner popped me just under the eye.

 It wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that my husband noticed something was brewing. After looking in the mirror, I explained what happened. Then I told him that I would tell everyone he was the responsible party. After all, it was his box. If it were somewhere else and not so full, the injury would not have occurred. Like this logic? My ex-husband used it to blame me when he backed our car out of an apartment parking spot and into another car. Our car was not parked where it usually was; thus, my fault.

 The bruise is so bad that the writers in my Zoom group noticed immediately and one sent a discrete private message inquiring about it. I promptly explained the incident, along with the threat I’d made to my husband. One writer cracked that if my spouse had done it, the authorities would never find his body. Here on the ranch, its easy to dispose of the evidence.

 Just leave it out a week, and most of it would be picked apart by the coyotes, bobcats, buzzards, feral hogs, and ants. Then it’s a simple process to gather then bones and dump them somewhere far away. I’ve seen nature clean up cows and deer in no time. (Good stuff to know for my fiction writing.)

 Joking aside, domestic abuse is a big issue and friends were right to ask about it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and text “Start” to 88788. If you are abused, don’t delay.

 BLACK EYE HOME REMEDIES

There are ways to treat a black eye. But did I pursue any of them? Absolutely not, I was too busy. In case you want to self-treat, home remedies include heat and ice (prescribed by physicians) as well as Arnica (mountain tobacco) that has anti-inflammatory properties and the herb, Comfrey, used for bruising.

 WHAT ABOUT STEAK FOR A BLACK EYE?

Growing up, I’d see pictures and TV shows where people used steak. We were at the grocery store yesterday and, once I saw the price of beef; I knew this treatment was permanently verboten. Thank goodness its frowned on today since cow blood absorbed by your eye isn’t good. Luckily cheapness can’t be blamed for not following this course of treatment.

 The idea for this type of treatment may have begun with the Greeks and their medical theory of the “Four Humors“. The beef, being red and bloody, would draw out the swelling. While it did not work, the cool of the meat most likely helped with the swelling.

Sigh. Sounds like it will take two weeks for the thing to heal. In the meantime, I’ll continue to threaten my husband with making him the culprit. I know he’ll be nice to me at least that long. Hmmm. What else should I try to extract as I watch the spot turn from red to black and yellow?

 If you have any thoughts, please let me know.

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