Absolutist thinking, the practice of viewing the world in black or white, is prevalent today. This type of thinking is also referred to as black-and-white thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, or binary thinking. These ways of seeing the world are reflected in the following:

• My way or the highway.
• The world is made up of winners and losers.
• You’re either for us or against us.
• I’m right, and you’re wrong.
• I’m smart—you’re dumb.

WHAT CAUSES ABSOLUTIST THINKING?

We tend to gravitate towards absolutist thinking because it is less exhausting. Exploring the nuance and complexity of a topic takes work. Being in a state of uncertainty is frightening. Unfortunately, to avoid anxiety, we frequently seek out information that backs our beliefs rather than contributes to our understanding of the subtleties.  

Then, too, we are exposed to absolutist thinking daily. Unrealistic expectations such as how we should look, what we should buy, and how much money we should have assail us daily through social media.

Then, too, many of us heard these messages from childhood. Most of the games I played as a child had winners and losers. Think Tug of War, Red Rover, Musical Chairs, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and Blind Man’s Bluff.

IS ABSOLUTIST THINKING HARMFUL?

Studies indicate that absolutist thinking can significantly contribute to disorders such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Additionally, it can block individuals from achieving goals in life, including relationships. This rigid thinking batters self-esteem.

STEPS TO CURB ABSOLUTIST THINKING

Observe and challenge your mental mindset. Pay attention to your thinking by developing an inner observer. If you are using words such as always, never, winner, or loser, stop. Do an analysis. Is what you are saying correct? Is it true that your friend never listens? Once you examine your thoughts, you can come to a more realistic understanding of what is happening.

Practice empathy. Listen and seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Only then can you open the possibilities that arise, learning and appreciating ways of looking at an issue.

Adopt a gray world. Remind yourself daily that the world is not black and white but is full of nuance and complexity. Expect and accept that you might not fully understand the world around you and assume ambiguity is part of life.

Look for common ground. Open dialogue with others and seek those areas on which we agree.

Look for a win-win situation. One of my favorite group exercises is to play musical chairs in a win-win fashion. Chairs are in a circle with one less chair than people. The music starts; participants walk around the chairs. When the music stops, individuals go to the remaining chairs. However, rather than the person who found no chair being out of the game, they share a chair with someone else. In the end, all participants share.

The difference in how you feel after playing the game in this win-win way versus the win-lose way is remarkable. While learning to lose gracefully is essential, most work today depends on your ability to work with others and to take advantage of win-win situations with your teammates. All great athletes, politicians, entrepreneurs, and teachers have a team behind their success.

Use the flip-side technique. Look for the silver lining when something bad happens, such as a car wreck, “My car may be destroyed, but I was not hurt,” or “I didn’t get the promotion, but I learned things to help me be better prepared for the next opening.”

The reality is that most of our lives are lived in the gray area. The more open we are to honest communication with others who are different, the more likely we are to obtain what we all want from life: belonging and connection.

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