Rocket (Rocky) J. Squirrel has made one too many appearances at my birdfeeders lately, and I am fed up. Last summer he managed to jump to one of my baffled shepherd’s hooks with no feeder, then to another feeder that has a pull-down bar to shut off the seed when a heavy creature lands on it. By sitting on top of the feeder, he could reach down and scoop up sunflower seeds without triggering the device.

Irritated, I eventually wrestled the monstrous piece of metal from the arid ground. This spring, I had a handyman settle it back into the earth, away from the tree. Soon it became obvious that the creature was managing to access the new location. Keeping a sharp eye out, I realized the squirrel was crouching on the fence post, leaping five feet into the air at a 24° angle, and climbing on top of the baffle.

FORMER BRUSHES WITH A SQUIRREL

This is not my first rodeo with the creatures. Several years back, one decided to sharpen his teeth on my patio furniture covers, gnawing large holes. I covered them with duct tape and spent a considerable amount of time yelling “booyah” any time I noticed his intrusion. Eventually, I had to buy new covers.

The most grizzly encounter came when I decided to scare one off my feeder with a BB gun. Through my open window, I aimed and gently pulled the trigger. The intention was to scare him off. As luck would have it, I accidentally made the most impressive shot of my life, hitting the menace in the jugular vein. I will spare you the aftermath, but I was responsible for the disposition of the carcass.

I am not the only person who struggles with squirrels. These videos are more fun than the cat ones.

SQUIRREL COUNTER-OFFENSIVE ONE

At the suggestion of a friend, I did a switcheroo, replacing the offending feeder with one that possessed a cage. You can imagine my horror to discover that the squirrel managed to jump five feet to the next shepherd’s hook and chow down. Furious, I raised the baffle.

SQUIRREL COUNTER-OFFENSIVE TWO

Smirking, I watched as the squirrel made a leap, missing the top of the baffle and sliding to the ground. The sneer on my face faded as, after several tries, he mastered the jump.

SQUIRREL COUNTER-OFFENSIVE THREE

Ah-ha! At the suggestion of my sister-in-law, I purchased plastic bird spikes, nailing them on the fence post. Not to be deterred, the squirrel figured out how to jump sideways under the raised baffle and grab the bottom of the feeder.

GRRRR. I lowered the baffle to its original position. Undeterred, the squirrel jumped from the fence rail.

SQUIRREL COUNTER-OFFENSIVE FOUR

Positive that I could outwit the one-pound scavenger, I added more bird spikes to the fence railing. As I write this, I am looking out every couple of minutes to see whether my new attempt has succeeded.

FUTURE SQUIRREL COUNTER-OFFENSIVES

Yesterday I tested the shepherd’s hook to determine whether I could unearth it and reposition it further away. Ugh. The last time I did so I used a large metal pole to rachet the two-pronged staff out of the ground. If my latest effort is unsuccessful, I will go to this plan (B) as a last resort. Fortunately, the ground is soddened so it may not be as difficult as the last time.

Plan C is that I will capture the squirrel and give it to any reader who asks as a pet.

Please pray for me that my tussle with the squirrels will not last as long as those with the rat and mice.

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